However with time as I grew in to adult-hood, love started to surmount my life. I fell in love with someone. Part of me knew that I didn’t have a future with him. Part of me wanted to overcome all the obstacles came in our way. I disregarded the separate paths we had to take in future. I was genuinely happy for once in my life. But my relationship didn’t take much time to turn toxic. He had the power to hurt me, because I let him. And he exploited his opportunities. It shattered me wholly. I felt fragile, because leaving him seemed to break me furthermore. We tried to mend our blunders for the sake of love and for some time things were okay. But it didn’t last long either.
Circumstances tensed between us and took me to a phase where I couldn’t take it anymore. Emotionally and mentally I was torn. It isn’t easy to show courage during desperate times. It completely shattered me when things changed. I wasn’t ready for any of it. I took everything rather pitifully.
Nonetheless, with my crumbled thoughts and weary tears I finally made a decision to walk out of my relationship. Not because I wanted to, because it felt like the right thing to do. I had to save myself before I had nothing to lose. It was never an easy decision. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. It was a nightmare with memories of him hurtling right through my conscience to my mind.
I cried for days. Some days I starved and some days I binged. I couldn’t get through a single day without shedding a tear, cuddling in to his gifts and photos of us together, sickly tempted to dial his number on my phone. Resisting that urge was agonizing. I realized it was okay to feel that way, I emptied my sorrows with a good deal of tears. I loved him more than life itself. He made a hollow inside my heart that constantly ached.
Days passed in melancholy, but my tears dried matte. I was getting used to live with the pain. I slowly learned to get back to my old routines. I opened up to friends seeking comfort. I distracted myself with new friends and new hobbies. I was gradually recovering from the heart ache.
It’s been a while now since it happened. When I look back it now my heart still shrieks a bit, mourning his memories. Because a part of me really believed that he’s my soulmate. I’m in a better place now, with my life back on track. Sometimes I wonder whether I did the right thing. Maybe it wasn’t. But certain things aren’t meant to be and you really can’t do anything about it. Love is either a blessing or a lesson.
I think I fell in love with the person I thought he was. Because when we broke up he was a different person. Realizing the truth made it easier for me to move on and let go without holding any grudges against him. He wasn’t the person I knew, not the person I fell in love with. Everything about him felt strange. He made me angry, took my sanity away. At that time nothing seemed right except letting go.
Sometimes you fall in love with people and sometimes you fall in love with the idea of them. I know I loved him for the person he was, his traits and mistakes included. Maybe it wasn’t enough.
True, love isn’t a fairy-tale. But it’s not a bed full of thorns either. Every relationship has its own consequences, predominantly ups and downs. But whatever happens, love is always supposed to make you feel safe and nurtured. It doesn’t bring you down, or show your worst fears. Love makes you love yourself for who you are. Love makes you feel proud in your own skin. Love makes you embrace your imperfections.
If love doesn’t give you hope. If it hurts you more than you can endure,you have all the right reasons to leave. Because you have to learn to love and safeguard yourself first. Love conquers everything, but it only happens when you find the right person.
