I hear a voice inside me

I'm trying to pretend that I'm okay, but the truth is I'm not. And I don't think I will ever be okay again. I hate my life, I hate that I'm alive. I hate that he's gone, gone for real. I hate that it's the truth, the truth that I can't tolerate no matter how much I try. 
Will I ever be okay again? I will keep asking this question again and again but I will never find an answer. I know it's up to me to decide whether to be happy or not.
I never thought that someone would affect my life this much. I set rules in my life, I had boundaries and limits made in my life. But somewhere somehow something went wrong..
I wish you could read this. But I know it won't happen because you know nothing about how I feel for you.. Even I cannot explicate how I feel for you...
Is it guilt? affection or love?
I know this won't make me binge eat, this won't make me cry for hours... But it will make a hole inside me that cannot be flushed away from crying or from suffering....
I know one thing for sure. I don't want to be okay again without you! And I will never try to.
I'm not worried about anything, I'm just worried about this feeling that keeps me away from you.. That wicked feeling which has no name... I don't know maybe it will keep us apart forever!